Innocence
by Evorah
Summary: If Remus hadn't been born, the lives of the people he had entered would be different, correct? He wouldn't have caused them pain, disappointment... and grief. Most of all, he wouldn't have been the cause of why his parents' happiness was suddenly gone.


It was a tiring night for them all. The three friends dragged themselves into an empty alley, catching up with their breaths.

"Mate, we have to bring him home," he heard James say. They were all exhausted, but his friend still had the energy to care.

"No," said Sirius breathlessly. "No one's there."

Remus, who had been lying on the ground hungry and tired, asked quietly, "Why not?" He saw Sirius give a worried look to James. Was something wrong?

"Why not, Sirius?" asked Remus once again, clearly this time. James crawled from his spot, placing himself next to Remus with his elbows supporting his weight, and looked straight into his eyes.

"Moony, mate," said James gently. "Your parents are at St. Mungo's. Your mum… she had an accident."

"Accident?" asked Remus, his forehead creasing. "What happened?"

What _happened_?

Was it before he transformed, or during, or… brief flashes of scenes started crashing down through his mind.

The party.

The party was a baby shower. He and his friends were offered drinks… and then, it got to be too much.

Then the pain came. An indescribable, absolutely unbearable pain.

They were too drunk to remember there was a full moon tonight.

During the start-of-term feast, Remus absent-mindedly played with his food. Anxiety was taking over him. He wanted to get out. Now.

"Moony?" asked Peter, his mouth full. "Are you all right, mate?"

Remus lifted his head slowly, and answered him, "Yes, I'm okay, Peter. Nothing to worry about."

Nothing to worry about, truly. He finally got his head straight again, so he took all the time he needed to be cautious of his decisions. He would distance himself away from innocent people; away from innocent lives.

Peter looked at him oddly, as if not believing his words, but went back into eating immediately. Remus realized the mistake of replying to Peter, because then he caught James and Sirius's look, and he couldn't tear his glance away.

"Moony…" started James, but Remus did not want to hear any of it. What was James going to say? That it wasn't his fault, and he shouldn't blame himself? How could he not do that? It was purely his action, and thus, entirely his fault.

Remus went out of the Great Hall, attracting curious stares. He went to the Astronomy tower, and after a few minutes, decided to walk around the castle grounds. He didn't reprimand any of the rule-breakers he found. If anyone should deserve detention, it was him.

He was out till midnight, strolling around in Hogsmeade, until he realized that he needed to sleep. As he entered the common room, he found Sirius, Peter, and James asleep on the couches, and the floor near the fireplace. He saw the Marauder's Map in James's hand.

No, they couldn't have waited for him. He didn't deserve them.

He rested his back on the wall, sliding down to the floor, and putting his head in his hands. He tried to remember all the short methods to answer Arithmancy questions, and the ingredients needed to create the Draught of Living Dead.

It was all he could do not to cry.

It had been two weeks since he had been back at Hogwarts, and since the incident. He had been avoiding his friends, and also places where voices would flood his hearing. He didn't speak; he kept only to himself. He barely ate, and he couldn't look at his friends in the eye. The hope that Sirius, James, and Peter gave him was useless now. It was all gone.

He was alone at the empty Charms classroom, studying his notes with his eyes hardly moving when he heard the door open.

"There you are," said Lily with a smile of relief, taking a seat beside him. "I've been looking everywhere for you! You were supposed to meet me in the library before we patrol tonight."

He tried to give her a smile, but instead, he gave her a grimace. He wanted to say he was sorry, but it wouldn't come out. It seemed like 'sorry' didn't work anymore. It wouldn't fix anything. After a moment of silence, Lily spoke.

"Remus," she said. "I've noticed you haven't been quite yourself lately. You rarely talk to me during the rounds. You could tell me, Remus. I'm here."

He couldn't look at her. He couldn't do make the same mistake. He couldn't, he wouldn't.

"Remus," tried Lily once again, her voice like whispers to a child. "What happened?"

What happened?

_He burst through the door, and searched wildly around the room. He saw his mum who had shining tears streaming down her face, and his dad murmuring words to her while holding her hand._

"Mum," he choked out, running down to her side. "Mum, what happened?"

As he waited for her answer, his heart was beating too fast as if there was another full moon to follow, but she didn't answer, and instead sobbed more violently.

"Dad," Remus begged. "Please. Tell me what happened!"

After a moment or two, his Dad dad finally looked at him, but with wet eyes. "Y—you transformed, Remus," said his dad. Remus was so tired, his knees were shaking, but still he waited. "In the house. And your mother… your mother was there, a—and you attacked her."

As Remus heard those words, his heart was inwent to his ears, and his breath was short, and his head began spinning wildly.

"The baby," his dad continued. "The baby's g—gone."

His mother was crying hard, the tears rolling down fast like sweat. "My baby!" she cried out. She pointed a shaking finger at Remus. "You k—killed my baby!"

At that moment, his heart broke. His knees gave away, and he felt a storm of tears come out from his eyes. Never had his mother spoke to him like this. Never had he done anything more than to make her proud.

He had only ever wanted her to be happy.

"I," whispered Remus, remorse thick in his voice. "I'm sorry." He had wrecked the lives of his own family.

"Whatever it is, Remus," said Lily, resting a hand at his shoulder, "it will turn out alright."

_"Hey—Remus, wasn't it?" he remembered Peter say as he entered the train compartment. "It's my first year, too, but you don't have to worry. That's what my Mum says. It'll turn out alright."_

"Moony," he remembered James say as he put his hand on his shoulder just before the first transformation where his friends would be accompanying him as animagi. "Don't worry; we'll all be back in one piece. It'll be alright."

"Oh, stop being such an old man, Moony," he remembered Sirius say as he got ready to meet James's parents. "Charlus and Irina would love to have another son on board! It'll be alright."

"It won't!" he exploded in front of her, standing up forcefully, causing the chair to fall. He started shaking brutally that Lily feared he might crumple at the floor. He was losing control. "It won't ever be fucking alright!

"This is entirely my fault. I should never have gone to Hogwarts! I should never have stayed at home. I didn't ask for _this_! I ruin everyone's lives for simply being myself.

"Every single day since—since that day, I ask myself what had gone wrong, and I've always known the answer. It was because of me. Lily, I _killed_ my baby sister! I killed her, and I—I would do anything, absolutely _anything_, to get her back.

"But I can't. I can't, and that's what hurts the most. I'll have to live with this—this pain that always makes me cry out and bleed inside. I never meant for any of this to happen. I don't want it happening anymore. I don't want to live like this. I can't take it…

"I'm losing everyone, Lily. Everyone that means something to me and it's my fault. It's my fault."

He was crying like this was the moment he was destined to empty everything that has built up inside him for years, and years.

Eventually, he did crumple down at the floor, and he felt soft, small arms envelop him as Lily hummed him a tune, and stroked his hair tenderly.

"I didn't mean to k—kill her," he cried desperately. "Lily, I didn't mean it. Believe me!"

"I believe you, Remus," whispered Lily. Remus felt her hot tears fall down his cheek. She kissed his forehead, and continued comforting him with a gentle sway.

It was his fault that his sister was dead, his mother was depressed, and that his father was always absent. He took away all their happiness.

It won't be long before he starts ruining the lives of his dearest friends, and what he feared most in the world will come to him.

He'll be alone.

Because he was a monster.

"I didn't mean it." 


End file.
